Amazing. It’s different this time around. As much as I would want to answer back or prove that I’m right, as much as I would stick to who I usually am in situations like this, there’s something inside me that held me back. Robbed every word that could have been spoken, I have recognized myself as someone who has fallen to the very trap of my self-conjured identity.
Amazing. Amazing how voiding yourself could allow you to take so much in. Certainly, not everything would build you up. It’s a mixture of both. Like before a building is erected, one has to crack it open by smashing the ground without holding back but only with the intention of setting a foundation. It is when you break loose of your pride that humility sets in the cement you not to be further destroyed but to build a solid foundation.
Amazing. Amazing how experience, indeed, proves itself as a teacher like any other; ;like most of my professors would sometimes or most of the time be annoying by requiring a lot of requirements all within a week. But the realization that strikes you afterward leaves you in awe. Professors make a hell lot of sense afterwards. My view of them is usually defined by annoying papers and exams but behind all of those are them trying to push you and hoping that you’ll evolve - be someone better. It’s the first time I shift focus as I write about my feelings but I have to thank you, mom, for tonight’s lecture. (Acting to my usual self) I hated the parts where you insert unnecessary arguments that only fuel my urge to answer back but I have to praise you, your experience and wisdom. You got me clapping inside my head after saying to me how much you’ve understood each one - and based on what you said, you hit the spot, mom! You truly are that person who’s always been there since day 1 of our lives. I shall leave my formulated arguments and bury them to the ground until it decays. Like a fertilizer, I only hope that it helps me grow more.
Amazing. Last thought for tonight, it’s amazing how series of events can lead to one big explosion. But only an open mind can see that as a beautiful firework leaving you in awe and contemplation and not as a destructive force that leaves you with so much anger.
Could not have asked for a better way to learn of all of this. A gold is tested through fire, indeed. I’m definitely sure I’m too far from that. But I’m thankful to be embraced by this fire. Amazing.
To move on and not forget,
To leap forward and not regret,
To learn that one cannot add if you cannot subtract
To accept that the bullet has been shot, the gun must retract
To be set in a new page, with so much to discover
To meet new friends and have new stories uncovered.
To leave you all behind is painful
I know this will happen but I’m grateful
How I wish this wouldn’t end
To be happy is to pretend
It’s so hard to try to answer back or say no when you know where a person is coming from and there’s nothing you can do but help. What’s painful is you turn out to be a punching bag that receives every blow of stress and robot removing your feelings while working under command. It’s painfully tough to be a son.
“ Binaril ng masasakit na salita
Sa kasalanang hindi mo naman sinadya
Kung ikaw ang nasa pwesto ko
Masasabi mo rin ba sa iyong sarili na ‘ang tanga mo?’ ”
I sometimes wish that saying yes wouldn’t come out as often as the air I breathe. I’m confused whether it’s good to help or do something for the benefit of a lot of people even if its exhausting or even sometimes painful. It has become a natural act for me but I often wish people wouldn’t abuse it or I wouldn’t let them do. Should I stop?
Reflecting on this one, I realized that everyone has their own role to play. We all function differently but we live together despite it. It’s a matter of how you see the areas in which you complement each other. You need people to help in order to function in the same way they need you to function.
One thing I guess I have to put in mind, I need to sometimes step back and learn to say no. Helping til my last breath is fine by me, but it wouldn’t hurt to give myself rest sometimes :)
And as I make an attempt to resume in pursuing this outlet of emotion, I feel that I haven’t been myself for a long time now. It’s either I’m trying to stick to one role or the things I’ve been doing lately have made me more versatile. It’s like my heart wants to retract to its origin but I am coerced by my brain and body to shape shift. It is, for me, undefined whether this should be something positive or the opposite. I need time to rest and contemplate. Two weeks of school left. Can’t wait to breath fresh air.